Adrian Ivashkov walks my dreams

I’ll remember that moment.

That moment I wanted to give up.

To walk away.

That moment of weakness when I almost stopped believing in myself.

I will remember how I wanted to turn my back on it all.

That moment I asked myself “why is it never easy?”

That moment I felt I had enough.

I will remember that.

Because one day, i will be where I always wanted to be and I’ll look back at that moment and be thankful that I trusted myself enough to make it to this point. 

How do I know that you’re distancing yourself from me? How do I know that despite all you say?

Because I have distanced myself from others in the exact same way. Saying exactly the things that you do now.

I always think I make the wrong decisions.

But at least on most occasions, I let go of the right people.

You know what? I am done. This has to go away. You can’t have this effect on me. You most definitely can’t do that when you don’t even know that you have this effect on me. Despite everything I do, I know you’ve always got your eye on someone else, and that someone isn’t me. I won’t put myself through this again. i won’t hope for a smile, a chat or even a simple nod from you. This saves me the disappointment. At the end of the day, you always find someone who is better than me. And guess what? I am okay with that. I really am. Go ahead. I am beyond the stage where I care. I have grown to accept that none of what I imagine is real and it will never be. So you can do whatever you like, it won’t affect me anymore because whatever this is, it stops here. Right now.

You’re a bitch.

I am not exactly mad at you though.

It’s more like I am mad at myself for expecting better from you.

I should never have given you the chance to say that to me.

I should have known.

Note to self: Don’t let a smile and one nice conversation fool you.

Yes, I fantasize about certain situations way too much.

Yes, I am well aware they are most probably never going to happpen.

No, that doesn’t stop me from fantasizing.

If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here today. I owe you everything.

You have no right to have that effect on me. 

No one should be able to have that effect on me. 

Someone’s  kind words or a small but nice gesture can leave you smiling for days or weeks every time you think about it.

The sad part is they probably have no idea that they have this effect on you, and they most likely never will.